Being Single is the True Sign of Strength

Yes, that's right. People who are in relationships are either a) happy or b) compromising their lives for the status quo. My guess--and this is only a guess--is that, at best, 25% of people in a relationship are truly, really happy. The other 75% in relationships of any kind? They are either miserable, or on the border of being miserable.

Now, granted, most of the people who are single do, indeed, wish for someone to cuddle with or hang out with on a consistent basis. We ALL want someone who can love us and validate our existence by telling us we are valuable, or better, beautiful. But it is those who resist jumping into a subpar relationship that have the keenest sense of self.

I am too lazy tonight to look up statistics. If you happen to know the percentage of people in a relationship/marriage (I don't care about the distinction) versus those who aren't, please post such numbers.

BUT. Here is the central hypothesis. It takes a truly confident, self-assured person to remain single. To resist succumbing to the first stranger who flirts and gives you attention. To hold out for the perfect person who is ALL of the above: 1) physically attractive to you (and this is relative to each of us), down to your sexual core, 2) completely attracted TO YOU (down to every last twisted curve and bump you despise, but who especially loves those curves!!), 3) intellectually at least your equal, and preferably more genius in literature than you are, who is perhaps your inferior in all things related to science, for example, and 4) financially stable (and preferably, able to spoil you, and you him/her).

I do NOT believe the crap that tells us that we should compromise. That we should put aside our hope that we will find someone that fulfills all that we believe we should have. My theory: if we don't, then WHO CARES??? We will go on living our lives, sans compromise. Figuring out who we are. And, if, at any point, we realize that we are better off with a lesser person than we've imagined in our dreams, we can go right ahead and snag the mediocre bastard hanging out at the corner bar.

For the rest of us, we'll go ahead living our dream lives and imagine cuddling next to our dream partner. Or a dog. (But, at least in NY, that wouldn't be fair).

The Need For Girl Friends

I am shy and introverted by nature. It's almost painful sometimes to force myself out of my little corner and initiate conversation with a stranger, invite an acquaintance (i.e., potential friend) to hang out, or mingle at a party. It's much easier to let Brian, my boyfriend, arrange our social calendars with parties, nights out, weekend romps, and dinners with his friends. And even when we go to a new bar together, all I must do is smile big and watch as Brian charms all the women, makes instant buddies with all the guys. And before you know it, we're both the hit of the bar, and I didn't have to bite back the fear and shyness to make it happen myself.

You see, it's no problem at all for me to chat with people if I'm in my comfort zone. The people are all known, I have history with them. Conversation comes easy because it's based on familiarity. With strangers, it's a whole other ballgame. But the way Brian sees it, he gets to hear all of the crazy, weird, amazing, heart-breaking stories of new people who have so much to give. And I love this about him.

I'm sure you see the problem in this arrangement with me and Brian. He has lots of friends. My friends are his friends. Now, yes, I do have a few solid, deep friendships that grew out of painstaking time in which we built our friendship organically, almost layer by layer. And that's great, but two of these friends live 5,000 miles away, and the other one can't simply sustain all of my needs for friends. I need my own friends. More friends. Casual friends, funny friends, active friends, lunch friends, dinner friends, drinking friends, shopping friends, girlfriends.

What I realized today is that I haven't done a damn thing - not ONE - to create this in the year and a half that I've lived here (anything that may have resembled time with potential friends was an invitation to me that I gladly accepted). And that's just pathetic. So what follows is my plan, or at least my notes related to making a plan, to do the one thing that freaks me out above all else. I'm going to make friends with people.

Who

Sheily is my best friend in the Bay Area. She's a doll - sweet, smart, beautiful. We are very similar in many ways (not necessarily in the ways I just mentioned), but we're different enough to keep each other on our toes, hold each other accountable. We met and grew our friendship at work. It was not instant. It took approximately nine months before we realized how compatible we were as friends and how much we really needed each other to survive at work. But this friendship was cultivated after many work weeks of hours in the same cube, meeting after meeting, and the fortuitous simultaneous promotion to the management team. Certainly, this was the perfect petri dish for creating a friendship. But c'mon. How rare is this? And can I really wait for these circumstances every single time before I make a single friend? (Incidentally, this is the exact method in which my other two best friends - DeAnna and Jen - came to be when I lived in Florida. Just shows how limited my repertoire is in forging relationships with people.)

So I need to look outside of my Petri dish, and here is what I see on the landscape:

• Isabelle: The girlfriend of one of Brian's best friends. She's real, she's sweet, and she'll tell anyone the painful truth about her opinions, no matter what. She's great. My fear/hesitation: she's made it known that should she and Evan break up, she couldn't be friends with me (here's an example of her honesty at work). So maybe I'm waiting to see whether their relationship will last? Oh yeah - they've been together for over a year. Duh.
• Wanda: The ex-girlfriend of one of Brian's best friends. Yes, the same Evan. But Wanda and Evan have remained great friends, and she is the coolest, most genuine woman who is not afraid to do things in life, despite how it may look to others. Case in point - she's living with her gay friend with whom she hopes to conceive and raise a child (conceive not through sexual contact, but through his brother's sperm FedEx'd once a month during ovulation that she personally injects with a turkey baster). Who wouldn't want a friend as resourceful and determined as that??
  
• Jenny: Another work friend, but super cool, super driven (she's freaking amazing), and young. Given that we're never really working on the same projects or around each other much at work, it's been hard to foster the relationship. She's also ridiculously busy and travels a lot. But when we do hang out, we always lament that we should do it more. We just haven't quite figured out how to make that happen.
• Andrea: A former work friend who left the company to pursue another career. I was new when she left, so we didn't have much time in the ol' Petri dish. Hence, I haven't kept in touch. BUT, she surfs, snowboards, and is generally quite active. And I'm always pissy about the fact that I "just can't find any women who like to do the activities I do." Another Duh.

How

I've got to get past this idea that the only environment in which I can find friends is work. I also have this silly rule in my head that, should Brian make plans with his friends, I can't call someone up to make plans because it will be obvious that they are second choice (behind Brian) and that the only reason I'm calling is because I'm desperate to find something else to do. Now really. Isn't this the stupidest thing you've ever heard? I know. However, one of the things I can do is make plans with friends before Brian makes his plans so that they are my first choice. And Brian would be all too happy to hang out with his buddies or even spend time alone. (Did I happen to mention that he's very secure/healthy in both his ability, no - need, to be alone and his social life with his many, many friends?)

Here are the ways in which I need to reach out:

• Plan a girl's poker night: I get so pissed when the guys hold their poker night on Fridays because it means either a) I sit alone on a Friday night (the most sacred of nights for going to restaurants and drinking a bit too much wine to unwind from the week) or b) I actually have to reach out to make my own plans. So why the hell can't I plan my own poker night for the girls?? And if I invite the other abandoned girlfriends, in addition to my own friends (or potential friends), I just might meet new people!
• Hold that housewarming party: We've lived in our apartment for six months, and I still haven't gotten around to planning our housewarming. But what a great opportunity to entertain, forge new bonds, and maybe even meet some new people.
• Form a financial group: A book club feels too stuffy and too cliche. But, I've been in the mode of trying to get control over my finances after a year of ignoring them. It would be great to hold a monthly meeting for women interested in topics related to saving, investing, and budgeting (truth be told, I got this idea from my 60-something ex-mother-in-law, but I actually think it would be great for 20- and 30-somethings too). I've found that learning small tips about how others do things make a huge difference. And while the initial group of women will be folks I know, I can see it easily leading to new group members - friends of these friends.
• Pick up the phone and call: Make plans for Saturday lunch, a surfing session, a mid-week dinner, a shopping day. Anything will do. But I need to initiate "friend dates" with individual women for some good 1:1 time to really get to know people.

The themes here are: entertain more; form groups of women for common causes that provide an interesting reason to hang out; hang out more with individuals.

Some Initial Perspective

Why I Started This Blog
I have a journal. It's a simple spiral-bound notebook that I use to capture my thoughts when I'm being introspective. Translation: I write in it when I'm miserable.

Ok - that's not always true. Every time I fly somewhere for work or pleasure, I find myself reflecting on my life on the flight - and these are usually happy journal entries. But by and large, when I look back through the pages, I have written to figure out why I'm miserable. It's my way of working through my emotions and discovering the root causes of my issues. I'm sure you'll not be surprised that 99.9% of "issues" are related to my relationships. With men, that is.

I will never throw away my journals. It's so interesting and good to remember what I've been through, and I find that I learn from my own previous struggles. I have also come to realize that when I'm in the habit of writing my thoughts, I'm much more balanced and satisfied.

So here's the connection: I recently had this epiphany that I should be writing all the time - not just when I'm miserable. And I also suspect that other people might be interested in my writing. NOT because I'm a great writer or an interesting/witty/insightful person. I assure you I'm none of these. But I am real, and I suspect that my issues are similar to issues of most women.

This blog is the result of that epiphany. The topic of Staying Whole as the Other Half is representative of my biggest life challenge, which is really about staying true to what I believe is the real Me. I'll probably continue to keep my journal around, but this blog will perhaps start to replace it. One of the reasons I'm excited about that is because I think hearing people's comments on my entries will be incredibly insightful. And I know other people will also call me on my shit. I can get away with a lot in my journal... :)

A Bit More About the Topic
We all want to be in relationships (well, most of us). Because when we're single, we think we're miserable and lonely. But, when we are in a relationship, we tend to lose all semblance of our single selves. We eat different, play in our weekends differently, watch different movies, spend our money differently. Think I'm wrong? Spend a weekend all by your lonesome, and tell me you don't spend your weekend doing very different things and making different decisions than you would default to in your typical "couples" weekend.

And this begs the question, WHY?? Well, I believe it's because we fall into the trap of two things: comfort and compromise. We're comfortable because we no longer have to lure someone into our graces. So the motivation to hit the gym, eat right, and look our best goes down the drain. Second, relationships are about compromise. But the sad thing is that compromise means that neither person gets what they really want...they both settle for second or third best. All the time.

Let me be clear about this - I am not categorically opposed to comfort or compromise. I think comfort is the reason we love our relationships. And without compromise, the relationship would never get off the ground, or if it did, it would quickly crash and burn. But there are dark sides to both of these, and that's what I'm calling out.

What I've come to realize is that being grounded in my values and sense of self is the number one key to warding off the dark side of the two C's. And that is the crux of this blog.